simply unloved.

i'm back to rant .. it's really too much for my poor heart to handle cuz my feelings are all bottled up inside and it's time to let it out .. i don't want to suffer from depression bcuz of this whole thing ..

anyway it really sucks being the eldest sometimes .. i really don't understand why the people around me always prefer both my sis to me .. maybe i'm that detestable .. but i dont really care .. the only people that i really really care is how my mum and dad think of me .. but sadly .. mum and dad would definitely prefer either of them to me ..

looking back at those times btw pr 4 - sec 4 .. i guess the only reason why i've been such a naughty lazy girl is to gain attention from them .. but the only attention i got from them is the cane .. now i realise it's such a dumb and embarassing thing to do .. sighs ..

4 yrs ago when i was in sec 4 .. i could rmb being excited for prom .. but my mum was so against it .. she said that i was VAIN and all the other negative stuff .. she knew NUTS about it .. i had to go shopping on my own with my friends and paid for everything myself ..

4 yrs ltr .. amanda is sec 4 and she's going for prom which she was FORCED to go cuz her clique made her go .. she was still complaining that her 3 of the girls from her clique are INSANE to go daniel yam to buy their dresses .. out of which 1 had a perfect excuse cuz her mum had just done her 2nd ROM .. the other 2 girls were simply spoilt -- 1 dragged her mum to buy a dress for her .. the other bought there cuz of a simple comment that another dress online was too cheap and she got her mum's CC to get it ..

but since friday after she went out with the clique to daniel yam to supposedly accompany them and look arnd .. she decided to buy one dress there too .. BUT .. she wanted to ask my mum to buy it for her .. can u imagine how pissed i am .. we had this big quarrel abt it and my mum still said "do u think i'll let her buy those kind of dress?!" .. i could just make a $1billion bet on that the ans would be YES and win it instantly ..

we were at marina square and amanda got her contacts .. before that she also said that she looked UGLY with contacts and didnt want .. but now .. the vainity came out and she was WHINING abt it for the past few days too .. i bet it's bcuz of her friends .. she had been CRYING and WHINING to them every day abt my mum not going with her to get the dress too .. i really feel like slapping her .. it's superbly IMMATURE .. damn she's alr SIXTEEN yet she's acting like a small kid .. so what if she's having her period .. that doesn't mean that she can act like she's some PMSY princess.

we went to suntec but didnt know that daniel yam outlet there closed down alr .. amanda CRIED on the spot thinking that we cheated her .. then found out marina had an outlet there so went over .. but she didnt know what she wanted although she claimed that she had tried some at wisma .. and again she CRIED there .. tell me if u were me .. would u just feel like slapping her?! ..

we went for dinner and she was still sobbing away .. after dinner everything was fine alr and my mum + aunt went back to daniel yam .. they made her try afew dresses and she was so PICKY .. it was all my mum's idea .. in the end she bought a TUBE dress ($149) + a shawl ($52).. i tell u .. on fri when i told her abt the dress being a tube and stuff .. my mum was in total disapproval saying she WON"T allow such dress .. in the end she still bought it .. she ALMOST bought a purse to go with it that was $109 ..

she splurged another $70 on accessories (clip + necklace) and ALMOST bought a bracelet .. we went all over marina in search of a pair of shoes to go along with it .. and i tell u that troublesome girl were on all our nerves .. cuz she didnt like to wear high heels + her toes SUCKED. so we had to find low heel + no peep toe shoes.. after searching everywhere .. we found a perfect shoes but it was too high .. so in the end we decided that we could get it in my size so after her prom i could wear the shoes for CNY .. but my mum keep insisting to get the shoes in amanda's size which was 1 size bigger and i was suppose to stuff padding in it ..

by then i was alr boiling .. why does everything have to revolve arnd her? .. even a stupid shoe that she was only going to wear for 2 hrs SITTING DOWN which means she could take it off under the table without anyone knowing and after everything change into sth comfortable and i can have the shoe ..

i keep thinking this morning when we were on the way to church .. she was commenting abt an article in the pprs abt this lady who bought a kimono from ebay at $700+ just for her company's DnD for 1 night .. she said that it's crazy .. but yet she spend almost $300 on one stupid prom which was not her own and the dress was going to be used for only that few hours of the event. i think that it's seriously ridiculous and she doesn't have any brains that makes sense too.

i know i may sound unreasonable .. but this whole thing is super unfair .. why do i have to be the eldest and getting all the shite? .. so what if i have a bf .. doesn't mean that he have to keep spending on me .. dont' he have to save up money for himself too? .. i'm still ur daughter right? i'm not even married into his family yet. if he splurges on me now .. next time how? by then we'll have no money to settle down and u don't expect me to go back to u begging u for money right? ..

life is just so complicating and full of contradictions .. 1 minute u can say something but few seconds ltr u can do another .. honestly .. i feel unloved by my mum .. at least my dad still listens .. so what if she's going through menopause now? .. doesn't give her the rights to start throwing her tandrums and temper at us or other people leaving us to be embarassed.

my cousin said that i shld cherish the times i have left since i'll be going aussie soon .. i wish i could and i am trying to cherish too .. but it's hard with all these crap. anyway i doubt they cherish the times that i'm arnd .. maybe till i'm gone then they'll realise or maybe not .. time is running out.

i'm sorry to all u pple reading this rant .. but i really have to let it out and this is my PERSONAL SPACE. so if u want to comment anything negative i'm going to ignore it.
i'm glad i'm feeling much better now. more relieved from the weight in my heart .. i really hope and pray that things will change. i may seem like a strong person on the outside .. but inside i'm just a little girl wanting some love from my family.

nights.